


Revelations

by CantSpeakFae



Series: The Scars Souvenir [21]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode Revisit + Revision, Missing Scene, Written from Xander's P.O.V
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 06:17:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18337859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantSpeakFae/pseuds/CantSpeakFae
Summary: Xander knows he’s aiming low and hitting hard, but how else is she supposed to understand how dangerous this is?





	Revelations

The Bronze is packed, tonight.   
  
After all the craziness from a few weekends ago, when the adults turned to kids, had the youth of Sunnydale trying to reclaim the Bronze by storm and, of course, since Dingoes Ate My Baby are playing, tonight, that means Willow dragged the rest of them out to watch and support. There was a time when Xander liked a good Dingoes show… but now, it kinda wigs him. Sitting at the same table as Willow, watching Oz play, knowing that he and she have been…   
  
Well, sneaking around is the right word for it. It’s a gross word, too, and he shreds the paper wrapper from his straw as the last chord of the song fading into the applause. Oz jumps from the stage and hurries over to meet them at their table and Willow gives him a bright smile that makes Xander’s stomach turn. She’s gotten… good at playing pretend. Willow’d never been a good liar, before, and watching her pull it off so well, now, makes him feel funny.   
  
He’s not nearly that smooth with pretending everything is a-okay with Cordy. It’s lucky that she hasn’t been paying close attention to him, lately, or he’s sure they would have been found out by now.  
  
“Oz! Hey! Have a seat... Except, we don't have any seats.” Willow says, still smiling brightly at Oz.  
  
“It's okay. I'll just scrunch in.”  
  
Willow nudges with her stool to make room for Oz at the table and bumps into Xander. She gives him a nervous look and Xander meets it with one of his own, hurriedly scooting over a bit as well, nudging up hard against Cordelia, who looks at him with irritation.  
  
“Xander, why are you giving me a lap dance?” She asked, squinting at him.  
  
Xander smiles weakly and strokes her arm. “What? I just like you.”   
  
Cordelia makes a disgusted sound in the back of her throat and pulls her arm away from him, squirming around to get comfortable. The upset feeling in the back of Xander’s throat makes it hard to breathe. Being sandwiched between Cordelia and Willow, in a literal fashion, is more clever a metaphor for how he’s feeling than he coulda ever made it on purpose. Two girls, pressed two close, both interested in getting smoochies from him, but neither one who… really seems to want him, just want to be wanted by him.   
  
Willow stammers, smiling nervously. “And that’s very beautiful. I think it’s great when two people like two people and want to be close to them instead of anyone else.”   
  
Okay, so she’s gotten good at pretending around Oz, but pretending around Cordelia is another story. Doesn’t matter, though, cause Oz smiles in appreciation of Willow’s cute stammering thing. Xander is less appreciative and speaks up, nervously.  
  
“Here, here.”   
  
“Well put.” Oz agrees, pointing at the cup on the table. “Hey, can I snag a snip?   
  
“Sure!”  
  
“Yeah, you got it.”   
  
Xander and Willow spoke at the same time and reached for it in unison, looking at each other with surprise and instantly flinch back away from each other. And, of course, they manage to knock the tray of drinks out of the hand of the waitress behind them. Xander lunges, automatically, trying to catch them. But he doesn’t exactly have Slayer speed so they all hit the ground before he can even touch ‘em and he’s just staring down at overturned cups.   
  
Sarcastic applause meets his less than graceful maneuver. He coughs and goes with it, raising his hands in acknowledgment. Can’t be laughed at if you take the high road and make a funnier joke about it, right?   
  
“Thank you! Thank you. Uh, we’re here through Saturday. Enjoy the veal.” He says, a thin smile on his face.   
  
Willow’s embarrassed and tries to hide her face. Oz reaches for a cup on his own, amused.  
  
“Why are you guys so hyper?” Cordelia asks with her eyes narrowed.   
  
Willow jumps to deflect. “Hey! Speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?”  
  
“Let’s see,” Xander says, jumping to help the conversation turn away from them. “Uh, killing zombies… uh, torching sewer monsters, and… no, that’s pretty much the uh, same old Buffster.”  
  
“Well, I just mean, you know, she's off by herself a lot more, and she's kind of... distracted.”  
  
Gossip is Cordelia’s native tongue and she jumps all over it, much to Xander’s relief.   
  
“Think she has a new honey?”   
  
“A boyfriend? Why wouldn’t she tell us?”   
  
“Excuse me? When your last steady killed half the class, and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy.”   
  
Xander scowls. “But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds. She'd tell us.”   
  
Right on cue, Buffy appears behind them, breathing a little hard from the dancing she’s been doing out on the floor. “Tell you what?”  
  
“About your new boyfriend, who we made up. Unless we didn't?” Willow asks, giving a skeptical look.  
  
“This was a topic of discussion?”   
  
“Well, raised, but never discussed.” Oz pointed out.   
  
“So, are you dating somebody or not?”   
  
Buffy makes an exaggerated “I’ve got a secret” pose, considering the words, then looks back at them and smiles.   
  
“I wouldn’t use the word ‘dating’, but I am going out with somebody. Tonight, as a matter of fact.”   
  
Buffy angles her eyes up and sways around a bit, considering what she   
should say.  
  
“Really? Who?”  
  
Somebody grabs Xander’s shoulder, then, pulling him aside a little so that they can squeeze in. It’s Faith, and she grins at them all.   
  
“Yo, what’s up?” She asks, nudging Buffy’s shoulder. “Hey, time to motorvate.”   
  
Buffy leans into Faith and wraps an arm around her. “Really, we’re just good friends.”   
  
They duck outta sight together, leaving the rest of them looking between each other, curious and officially distracted from the drink spillage.   
  
“She didn’t get along that well with Kendra…” Willow murmured, suddenly looking slightly dour.   
  
“Kendra didn’t move here.” Xander pointed out, reaching for the cup that Oz had set back down and taking a sip of the soda… and suddenly realizing why Oz had made that face. Ugh. Diet.   
  


* * *

  
There’s never a really off-day for them, so it’s no shock when a new big-bad rolls into town and they gotta start dealing with it. The name Lagos is being tossed around which means Xander and Will are on research duty the next day, after Buffy and Faith’s patrol and unpleasant encounter with some of this guy’s followers. Giles is sitting at the large table, reading through a book with a dozen or so other books open in front of him. Xander hovers nearby, not quite on research mode yet but waiting to be tapped in. And, right on cue, Giles looks up from his book.   
  
“Oh, this is intolerable.” He snaps, slamming the book shut. “There’s not a word here about Lagos or the glove. We don't have time for this near-missing. Just… find out all you can about the demon, its-its-its strengths, its-its weaknesses.”   
  
He gets up and starts to pace, still listing off all the obvious points for them to hit.   
  
“Its places of origin, and most importantly what it plans to do with this blasted glove.”   
  
He points at Xander with his glasses to drive the point home and Xander gives Giles an annoyed smile. Would a single please kill him? They’re not exactly getting overtime for this.   
  
“Hey, you're not the Watcher of me!”   
  
“Then go home.” Giles snaps, not catching the joke. “But if you choose to stay, then work.”   
  
He stalks off to his office and Xander watches him go, stung. Giles used to at least chuckle at his jokes… but he’s been less fun than usual and that’s really saying something. Xander thinks it might have something to do with Faith’s new watcher, but he’s not lovin’ it. He stalks up to where Willow is, in the stacks to find more books that Giles hadn’t already combed through.  
  
“Ugh... It's late. I'm tired. What does he want from us, anyway?” Willow asks, rubbing at her eyes. She’s just as exhausted as he is - Giles has been snapping at her, too, in the pursuit of proving that he’s the bestest Watcher ever - and they’re both feelin’ the strain.  
  
“The number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British Flag from his butt?” Xander asks, darkly, spotting a few books sitting out on the floor and settling down next to them. He picks one up and starts to scan the page. Slowly, waiting for mixed up words to right themselves.   
  
“My eyes are all blurry,” Willow complains, leaning forward to rest her head in her hands for a moment.   
  
She does look like she’s about to fall over, any second, and even moans with delight when she starts to rub her temples and Xander feels a stab of reproach for Giles. They’re still kids in high-school. And that might not mean much to Xander, but it does mean a lot for Willow, who actually tries hard to study and stuff.   
  
He sets down his book, nudges a bit closer and reaches over to do the massaging for her. When she feels his fingers at her temples, Willow drops her hands into her lap and lets him help her out, letting out a few more moans of happiness.  
  
“Oh, stop.”  
  
“Right,” Xander says. “Stop means no… and no means no, so um… stop.”   
  
He pulls his hands away and leans back away from her and she sits up a bit as he grabs his book again and starts to try and read again. He doesn’t get very far because Willow suddenly reaches out and pulls him close to her, grabbing his face and planting a hard kiss on his lips. Xander responds in kind, putting his arms around her and pulling her close. This is wrong, but it feels right and he can’t help leaning into her.   
  
“Willow, Xander…”   
  
They yank back away from each other and scramble to their feet, suddenly realizing that Giles is right there.   
  
“...You can stop your uh, studying.”   
  
Xander wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve. Giles isn’t looking at them, he’s looking at the bookcase. Maybe he didn’t see?   
  
“I've got what I need.”  
  
Xander clears his throat. “What have you got?”   
  
“Uh, the probable location of the Glove of Myhnegon.” He says, finally looking over at them. “It’s uh, housed in the Von Hauptman family crypt.  
  
“Yeah, that’s the big one over at the Restfield Cemetery.”   
  
“Yeah, well that’s great, Giles! Um, how’d you find it?” Willow asks, smiling a little too brightly.   
  
Giles looks back down at his book, not focusing on them at all. “I looked.”   
  
Oh, jeeze. Is that a hint? Is he saying that he saw them kissing and therefore not doing research?  
  
“Where's Buffy at?” Xander asks, coughing.  
  
“Uh, I'm not sure.”  
  
“Well, I'll go check out this, uh, crypt!” Xander volunteers. Maybe it’ll win him some good-boy points with Giles. He pauses. “Um, tell her heads-up if she, uh, stops by.”   
  
He ducks out of the library, still tasting Willow’s chapstick on his mouth. Aw, man. He is so screwed.  
  


* * *

  
This… was not a good idea. It’s dark, out, and kinda cold and he can’t think of a worse place to be right now, than hunting for gravestones until he finds the Von Hauptman Family crypt. He ducks behind a bush, trying to stay hidden as he scopes it out, but muttering to himself as he goes.   
  
“Hey, Giles, here's a nifty idea: why don't I alleviate my guilt by goin' out and gettin' myself   
really, really killed?”   
  
And Giles sure did try to stop him, didn’t he? Ugh, why did acting like an A+ Watcher have to turn him into Mr. Let-them-take-crazy-risks guy? Xander scowls… but then freezes. What was that? Did he just hear something?   
  
Yeah, he definitely heard something. Something like stone grinding against stone and he swiftly ducks behind a group of bushes, crouching down and peering out, trying not to breathe too much as he waits to see who’s gonna come out. Maybe he can tackle whoever it is… stop them from getting away. But only if he has the element of surprise on his side. He hasn’t been patrolling, as much, since his fight with Buffy… though it’d be better not to step on her toes, but now he’s seriously regretting it.   
  
Someone finally steps out, holding something wrapped in a bunch of rags and Xander’s got a sneaking suspicion that it’s the glove. Whoever it is turns their back to him and closes the gate to the crypt behind them. Xander starts to rise up, a little, trying to see who it is. If it’s just a vampire, he can deal with that. He always carries a stake on him, now, and if they -  
  
Xander’s train of thought screeches to a halt before it can leave the station and his head suddenly spins like a top. It’s hard to /breathe/ through the shock when they get close enough for him to see their face. Terror grips him and he nearly falls over.   
  
It’s Angel.   
  
Angel is walking past him and Xander can’t look away, desperately trying to make sense of what he’s seeing. How can that be Angel? Buffy killed Angel. Did she lie about that? No, no, he’d seen the look in her eyes when she said it. She wasn’t lying. Maybe Angel faked her out? Faked his death? Is working for that super vampire now? He doesn’t know. He’s trying to figure things out, but most of his brain is making a sound like a fork in a garbage disposal. All metallic screeching and awful clanging.   
  
When Angel is far enough away, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his stake, following after him. No matter how he’s still around, skulking around and stealing uber-powerful items kinda lists him as evil, again, doesn’t? And he can’t let him fuck with Buffy’s head, again. She’s finally doing better, on the movin’ on train, and this guy is skulking around?   
  
He follows him all the way to the mansion, a plan forming in his head. Odds are, this is ‘Angelus’ that he has to deal with and he’ll be harder to fight than ‘Angel’ would be. But he can do this. After all the shit that they went through, there’s nothing left that Angel can do to surprise him.   
  
He sneaks down the stairs to the main gallery and moves carefully to the window so he can see inside and see what Angel’s doing. The second that Angel has his back turned to him, he’ll rush him and -   
  
He stops cold.   
  
Angel’s inside. But so is Buffy.   
  
And they’re wrapped around each other, kissing like the world is ending.   
  


* * *

  
“Are, are you _sure_  that it was -”   
  
“Giles, the guy tormented us for months. I promise you, there’s no chance that I’d make a mistake about this.”   
  
Giles whips his glasses off of his face and starts to polish the lenses with his shirt, so hard that Xander thinks he’s going to snap through them.   
  
“She has been acting distant, lately,” Willow whispers, staring down at the table. “And we thought it was because she was seeing someone new.”   
  
“But, instead, she’s seeing someone old.” Cordelia chimes in. “And someone who really wanted to kill us for a while. Are we sure she’s not evil? What if she’s working with this “leggos” guy and Angel to kill us for giving her the worst welcome back party ever?”   
  
“Buffy’s not evil,” Xander says, automatically coming to her defense. “Maybe Angel’s just got her all mixed up.”   
  
Giles starts pacing and they all fall silent, trying and failing to think of anything else to say. Xander stares at the table, bombarded with memories of all the terror and torment. Is that what they have to go back to? He’d just finally started to have fewer nightmares…  
  
The door opens and Buffy walks in, cheerful as ever.  
  
“Lagos is out of luck,” she chirped, holding it up. “I got the magic mitten thingy.”  
  
She stops just short of the table, suddenly realizing that they didn’t jump to celebration faces when she told them she got the glove.  
  
“What’s with all the tragedy masks?”   
  
Giles gestures at the table. “Better take a seat, Buffy.”   
  
Xander jumps up from his chair and pushes it over so that it’s at the head of the table, and steps away to stand next to Cordy while Buffy slowly approaches the chair, looking at all of them with concern and suspicion in her eyes.   
  
“What’s going on?” She asks as she sits.   
  
“We know Angel is alive,” Giles says, jumping straight to the point.   
  
Shock flits through Buffy’s expression and Xander isn’t sure if she’s surprised they know or if she’s trying to look surprised by the news and it… hurts, feeling like he can’t trust her. As betrayed as he’d felt when she ran off, part of him at least knew that was more of a “him” problem than a “they” problem - and he knew that he could count on her for as long as she was in Sunnydale, always saving the day and always right on time. But… this? This was lying. Not just to Giles, which happened often enough, but to him and to Willow, too.   
  
“Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us.”   
  
Buffy looks away, then and Willow speaks up, her tone gentle.   
  
“Nobody’s here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help.”   
  
Buffy looks up at Willow, her eyes wide and sad. “It’s not what you think.”  
  
“Hope not. Because I think you’re harboring a vicious killer.” Xander says.   
  
It comes out sharper than he intended, but he can’t… believe it. Can’t understand why she’d do this to them, or why she’d do it to herself.   
  
“This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I' statements only. 'I feel angry.' 'I feel worried.'” Willow said, shooting Xander a look for being so callous.   
  
“Fine. Here's one: I feel worried... about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was _way_  more interested in killing her friends.” Cordelia said, shooting an irritated look at Buffy and Xander found himself having to suddenly suppress a laugh. Not because this situation is at all funny, but because only Cordelia could look vaguely annoyed at the idea of Buffy’s boyfriend trying to kill her.  
  
“But he’s better, now,” Buffy argued.  
  
“Better for how long, Buffy?” Xander asked, trying to keep his voice level. Trying to keep from being on the attack, but he’s not sure it’s coming across that way. “I mean, did you even think about that?”   
  
Buffy stands up. “What is this, Demons Anonymous?” She turns around and starts to leave, snapping back at them. “I don’t need an intervention, here.”   
  
“Oh, don’t you?” Giles asks, his voice actually calm as opposed to Xander’s forced calm. “You must’ve known it was wrong seeing Angel, or you wouldn’t have hidden it from all of us.”  
  
“I was going to tell you, I was. I-it was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to wait.”  
  
“For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?”   
  
“I’m not going to…” Buffy raises her voice and then her hand to him, stopping him in his tracks. “We’re not together like that.”   
  
“But you were kissing him,” Oz said, quietly. His voice was the least aggressive of all of them, but there’s something under it. Something colder and less composed than he usually is and Xander wonders if he’s thinking back to seeing Willow in the hospital.   
  
Buffy’s gaze flicks to Xander, and she steps toward him, eyes flashing. “You were spying on me? What gives you the right?”  
  
SPYING on her? No, he was sent out to get the stupid glove after _her_  Watcher spent the whole night snapping at him and Willow, while she was out getting her lovin’ from the guy who killed one of their friends and brutally attacked the rest of 'em.  
  
Cordelia jumps in, to his defense. “What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?”  
  
“It was an accident.”   
  
Oh, jeeze.   
  
“What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?”  
  
“It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was going to hurt anyone…”   
  
“...You would stop him?” Xander asks. “Like you did last time, with Ms. Calendar?”   
  
Buffy flinches and can’t seem to utter a word in response. Xander knows he’s aiming low and hitting hard, but how else is she supposed to understand how dangerous this is? Not just for her, but for them too. How can she still want that guy, after everything he did to them?   
  
“Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're, we're all gonna help you face this.” Willow interjects, again, trying to soothe over the sting of Xander’s words.   
  
“But he's better now. I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. H-he's keeping it safe for us in the mansion!”  
  
She LEFT that thing with him? Xander spreads his arms out, completely at a loss as to how she would be okay with that.   
  
“Right! Great plan! Leave tons of firepower with the scary guy and leave us to clean up the mess!”   
  
He pushes away from Cordelia and starts toward the doors. If Angel is such a good guy, now, he won’t mind Xander stopping by to take the glove away from him and bring it back to Giles, who could actually do something to destroy that glove or… or something. But he doesn’t get past Buffy, who grabs him by the arm and spins him around to face her.   
  
“You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn’t you?” She asked, quietly.  
  
“I don’t need an excuse.” Xander snapped at her. “I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.”   
  
“Right, this is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy.”   
  
Xander barks out a laugh at that. Jesus, even with EVERYONE looking at her and telling her that this is bad, that they’re all scared, and that she’s WRONG, it still comes back to him. Like he’s the only one being irrational - like the only reason he has to hate Angel jealousy. He opens his mouth to tell her just what he thinks of that, but Cordelia jumps in first.   
  
“Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?”   
  
Buffy shakes her head. “Don’t you start with me.”   
  
Cordelia turns to Giles and so does Willow.   
  
“Giles, no one is doing the “I” statements!”   
  
“That's enough! Everybody. Now, Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood.” Giles says, ignoring Cordelia shaking her head. “Our… priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to classes.”   
  
They all push off from the table, gathering up their things and strolling over to where Xander is still standing and then they take off out the door, together, none of them saying a word.   
  
Not much of an intervention.   
  


* * *

  
Things go to shit.   
  
It’s not a surprise. Even less of a surprise that it’s half Xander’s fault. Gettin’ Faith involved because Buffy kissing Angel after everything makes him go postal? Not his best move. Not his worst, but he’s still the bottom rung of the scoobies after that… and, he has to admit, Angel saving Willow from certain doom does put him on the side of good, even if Xander doesn’t know how long that’s gonna last.   
  
It doesn’t make him happy, though. Nothing does, lately.   
  
He’s alone in the library when Buffy finds him, again. Not even Giles is hanging around - he was feelin’ smug about Faith’s new Watcher being a psycho and decided to give Buffy the night off, meaning that he was out the door too. And Oz surprised Willow with a date, while Cordy had cheer practice… so, he’s by himself. Looking for quiet and trying to organize his mind.   
  
He’s been crazed as of late. Feelin’ cold and bitter and he doesn’t know how to fix it.   
  
He doesn’t hear Buffy come in, too lost in thought.   
  
“Hey,” Buffy says.  
  
He looks up, surprised. “Hey. I woulda thought that you were halfway to home or the Bronze, by now. Didn’t Giles give you time off?”   
  
“Yeah. But, uh, Willow mentioned that you were gonna be here. Why, uh, why are you here?” Buffy asked, looking around the library.   
  
“I don’t know,” Xander said, honestly. “Guess I wanted some quiet...and I spend more time in the library than I do at home, anymore, so it just seemed like the best place to come to. Like hanging out in my living room. Which, funnily enough, I can’t do at home.”   
  
Buffy settles into the chair next to him.   
  
“...I know we talked, a little, earlier. But… I just wanted to really talk. Just the two of us.”   
  
“Okay.”   
  
Buffy shifts in her seat, gathering her thoughts and then looking over at him with sadness in her eyes.   
  
“...I miss you.” She says, finally. “We haven’t really been… close, since everything happened with Angel. I feel like you hate me - or you resent me, at least, and it’s not that I don’t understand why it’s just… I don’t know how to make it better. And every time we talk, I get defensive and you get defensive, and Willow thinks we’re one day away from actually hitting each other.”   
  
“I’d never hit you,” Xander says, sharply.  
  
Buffy blinks, surprised. “Thanks, Xan, but that wasn’t really the -”  
  
“I know. But I would never hit you.” Xander says, again. Sharper, this time. “Not ever. No matter how mad I get, no matter how angry I am, I wouldn’t hit you. And not just because you could pummel me into a sticky paste. Okay?”   
  
“Yeah. Okay.”   
  
Xander swallows hard, then, looking down at the table.   
  
“... It’s not that I don’t know that you love him, Buff.” He says, finally. “And it’s not that I don’t understand why you didn’t tell us. Cause, cause you know… we’d react the way that we did. But it doesn’t make it easier.”   
  
“It’s not easy for me, either. I mean, keeping things from you guys… feeling like I have to hide, feeling like I’m making all the wrong choices… things are so complicated, now.”   
  
“You know, my dad hits my mom,” Xander says, suddenly.   
  
Buffy blinks, taken aback.   
  
“What?”   
  
“Yeah. He hits her.” Xander says, again. Tony hits him too, but he leaves that part out. There’s nothing that Buffy could do to help him out, there. “And she’s never once tried to leave him. Never said enough is enough. Just takes it and gets him a beer after and I don’t understand why she won’t leave him. He’s not even a demon - he’s just a guy and she lets him do it to her.”   
  
“Xander, I’m, I’m so sorry. But, what -”   
  
“What does it have to do with this? Well… I see you not leaving Angel, even after everything he did. And I don’t understand why you won’t just cut things off with him. Maybe it wasn’t his fault, you know. Maybe the lack of the soul is to blame, but then you could also blame the drinking for why Tony hits my mom. And I guess you and Angel remind me of my parents and I get angry for reasons that don’t apply. I’m trying, Buff, I really am. But everything is complicated like you said.”   
  
“Angel isn’t like your dad,” Buffy says, quietly. “It’s not the same. But I’m so, so sorry that it feels that way to you.”   
  
“Yeah, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I haven’t been the friend that ya need me to be.” Xander said, quietly. “I swear, I keep meaning to come across softer. Gentle, like Willow, but it never comes out that way. I don’t want to not be friends with you.”   
  
“I don’t want to not be friends with you, either.”   
  
“I can’t promise to jump on the liking Angel train,” Xander says before she gets any ideas. “It’s not about whatever feelings you think I have for you, though. I did… really like you, once, but it’s not like that anymore. I promise. But it is kinda complicated.”  
  
“I know,” Buffy says, chewing on her bottom lip. “I’ll try to stop taking it so personally. But… look, not liking Angel? That’s whatever. I’m not a huge fan of Cordelia, most of the time, either. But if you ever try to send another Slayer after him, again…”   
  
“I know.”   
  
Xander swallows hard.   
  
“That was… there’s no excuse for that. I’m sorry.”   
  
“You’re right. There is no excuse. And I don’t accept your apology. Not yet. You can’t go over my head like that if we’re ever supposed to be able to trust each other. You can’t… and I can’t keep hiding things. We both have stuff to work on.”   
  
Xander manages a sickly smile, nodding again.   
  
“We really, really do. Who woulda guessed that Willow would be the best adjusted out of all of us?”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know about that. She’s been acting kinda off, lately. Was telling me that she peeked on a test or something, but was all wigged about it? Have you noticed her being… weird?”   
  
Shit.   
  
“Uh, no. No, not really.” Xander said, shaking his head.   
  
“Hm.”   
  
Buffy leans back in her chair and sighs.   
  
“Are we okay? I mean, really okay?”   
  
“Probably not,” Xander says. “But I think we can work toward being okay. Trusting each other, again. Being bestest pals.”   
  
“I’d really, really like that.”  
  
“Yeah, me too.”   
  
Buffy bumps her shoulder against his… and then immediately bursts into tears. Oh, jeeze!   
  
“What? Did you just hurt yourself doing that?” Xander asked, startled.   
  
“No!” Buffy said, wiping at her eyes. “I just really missed you.”   
  
“Ohhh…”   
  
Xander fidgets and then reaches out, pulling her into a hug.   
  
“It’s gonna be okay, Buff. I promise.”   
  
Not today, no, but… eventually. And that’s something to look forward to.


End file.
